Modern Conveniences
by Mitigated Wrath
Summary: Pure crack fic. Ruby is mortified to be caught up in Granny's shenanigans as the older woman tries to play match maker in the most forward way possible. Sleeping Warrior pairing as well as some FrankenWolf
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fic, born out of a random late night conversation involving Granny's sass and speculations on what our FTL friends would think of certain additions to the bedroom.**

**I own nothing  
**

Ruby sighed as she adjusted her apron and hefted the large serving tray over her right shoulder. Life was finally starting to get back to normal after Cora and Hook's unpleasant visit from the other realm. Or at least whatever you could attempt to call normal when your hometown was inhabited by nearly every storybook character ever written.

While the town was still groaning and adjusting to the changes of not only awaking from a curse, but defending itself from the Mother of All Evil and her cronies, and the nuns – fairies - whatever - kept busy by cooking up a set of spells to mimic Rumpelstiltskin's barrier breaking potion, the residents of Storybrooke were allowing themselves a chance to relax and enjoy the some of the positive things being in a world formerly without magic had to offer.

_And some are enjoying themselves more than others_, Ruby thought to herself as she lowered the platter of food in front of Storybrooke's two newest citizens. When Aurora and Mulan arrived through the portal Emma had created to blast Cora back through to the other side, they were shocked to say the least.

There had been a brief period where everything in this realm made the duo uneasy. Having to explain how modern plumbing worked was a memorable afternoon for everyone staying at Granny's B&B. Ruby suppressed a smile at that memory. She didn't think the water heater would ever be the same.

"Here you go girls. Enjoy!" Ruby allowed herself to grin as Aurora and Mulan slowly dragged their individual plates in front of them, cautious of this new and odd cuisine. They had arrived at the diner together that morning, a bit shy in their modern clothes, though Ruby was surprised at how natural each woman looked in their attire. Aurora in a pretty floral dress, borrowed from Bell no doubt, and Mulan in slacks and a t-shirt that read "Miner's Day '99"

They had been interested in the different types of food this modern realm had to offer ever since Henry had shared with them his stash of pop tarts. "Belle told us you were the person to come to with such questions," Mulan informed Ruby when they arrived earlier.

"So, whatcha think?" Ruby leaned against the edge of the booth and watched as Aurora tentatively picked up her burger and took a bite. "Oh my, " she breathed, as she took another, larger bite. "This is wonderful!" Mulan simply nodded in agreement. The usual stoic warrior was elbow deep in a basket of french fries and showed no sign of coming up for air any time soon.

Ruby stifled a laugh as she watched Aurora purse her lips, half in annoyance, half in amusement, at her companion. With the danger quelled for the time being and a lack of immediate adventure, the quiet Storybrooke life had a unique effect on the two women. Ruby wasn't the only one who noticed that as the duo relaxed and adjusted to the town, they grew closer in more ways than one. Touches lasted longer, eyes lingered, and smiles were easier to come by.

"Remember to breathe girl!" Granny swept by with a stack of new menus, stopping short by the occupied booth and giving Mulan an appraising look.

"Apologies Granny, it's just this food is unlike anything in our land". Mulan swallowed hard and reached across the table and helped herself to the bottle of ketchup at its edge

"Don't I know it," Granny smirked, shifting her grip on the menus and giving her granddaughter a wink.

"Yes, modern conveniences, as you call them, are wonderful," Aurora chimed in, sipping her iced tea and blushing slightly as her hand brushed gently against Mulan's on its way to the container of sweeteners next to the condiments.

"Wait until you get a load of pay per view," smirked Granny, tilting her head back and laughing.

"Oh gods, Granny don't''. Ruby shuddered, turning to walk away from the group. Ok, so she might have let it slip that she though the princess and the warrior made a cute couple. And of course, without a battle to fight or anyone to threaten with her crossbow, Granny needed something to occupy her time. Apparently that new hobby was uniting these two women, and the sooner the better.

_I just wish she had more tact sometimes_, Ruby though has she tossed her tray up on the counter. For whatever reason the diner was dead today, aside from the prospect of young love sitting in the corner booth. Granny was still at the table, leaning close to the couple, her voice low. _Ever since the curse broke, she has got more and more ornery,_ though Ruby, leaning behind the counter with her back to the diner. _You'd think she still was having Wolf Time with the way she's been acting lately._

"RUBY, GET YOUR KEYS. WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE".

Ruby stiffened as the shout rang through the empty diner. The brunette slowly turned to see Aurora, blushing deeply, standing next to the booth with Granny handing her and Mulan their coats. Mulan was giving Granny a sideways look that was a mixture of fascination and horror.

Ruby swallowed hard. She knew that look on her grandmother's face. No good can come from this.

"Get a move on girl, you're driving!" Granny tossed Ruby's coat at her from across the room.

Catching her jacket with one hand, Ruby fished her keys out of the register. She met Granny's eyes, reading the glint of mischief from behind the older woman's spectacles and asked the ultimate question. "Where?"

**Well, should I keep going?**


	2. Chapter 2

"You know, if you grip that steering wheel any tighter, you're liable to rip it right out of the car," Granny said sagely from the passenger seat. Ruby merely grunted in response. Her internal monologue was all capital letters and exclamation points as she drove to the outskirts of town. _This was not happening. Why am I agreeing to this? And WHY do places like this even exist in Storybrooke. What the high holy **hell** was going through that witch's head when she made THIS part of the curse?_

"Dear," Granny sighed, "Knock it off. I don't even need wolf senses to hear you grinding your teeth right now". She turned back to the knitting that spilled over her lap. Distracted by the clack of the knitting needles, Ruby glanced over at the current source of her high blood pressure. Granny was nonchalantly focused on her current project, something big, fluffy, and an awful shade of blue-green. _Oh yes, _thought Ruby darkly, _she **would** be knitting as her granddaughter drove her and two women who shared enough sexual tension to cause an avalanche to the local sex toy shop._

Granny and her big mouth, after explaining what she meant exactly by "pay per view", had elaborated on what else two consenting adults could do in this realm, particularly with food, as the food of this world was still everyone's favorite topic. Of course the idea of edible underwear was something so foreign to both women Granny couldn't resist showing them some in person.

"Oh yes, if you wanted that kind of thrill in my day, you'd practically have to strap a chimera to your ass," Granny grinned wolfishly as she counted stitches, while Ruby sunk lower and lower in the driver's seat, her nose almost level with her knees. "Next left dear". Granny barely glanced up from the purling she was currently engaged in. "And don't slouch. It does nothing for your tits".

Aurora had been stunned to silence in the back seat the entire ride, an incredulous look coming over her face at the visuals the older woman continued to present. Mulan, on the other hand, was leaning forward in her seat, practically taking notes. _My gods,_ Ruby eyeballed the young warrior in the rear view mirror. _Why does she have to be so damn studious?_ Ruby shuttered as Mulan interrupted Granny's diatribe on the virtues of edible underwear with another question.

Ruby was no prude, her cursed persona was a reflection of that, but having to listen to one's own grandmother expound the joys of sex toys that she had no business knowing about was the limit. _How__** does**__ she know so much?_ Ruby briefly entertained the idea of checking the bed and breakfast's internet browser history, but the full body twitch that that idea elicited was so powerful it cause her to swerve the car into the other lane. "Careful dear," Granny leaned over to recapture her ball of yarn as it rolled off the edge of the seat.

"It's a good thing we're taking you on this field trip too it seems. You need to relax." Granny leaned over the center console. "And in more ways than one." Granny waggled her eyebrows up and down over her spectacles for effect. Ruby's face flushed to match her fairytale namesake. She was just too embarrassed to sass her grandmother back. _And do I hear GIGGLING from the backseat?_ The brunette glanced into the rear view mirror and confirmed that both Aurora and Mulan were shaking with suppressed laughter, practically collapsing on top of each other. Ruby's attempt to give them the evil eye through the rear view mirror caused her to almost run a stop sign and earned a "GOOD SWEET SASSY MOLASSY" from Granny as the car skidded to a stop, rocking forward as Ruby slammed on the brakes.

Experiencing this car ride without the ability to plug her fingers in her ears and go "LA LA LA" was, for Ruby, the darkest curse of all.

"Oh look, we're here!" Granny sighed happily, wrapping up her knitting for another day and pointing across the street to the most derelict building this side of the town line.

" Little Miz Muffet's Pleasure Chest: Everything For Your Tuffet" Ruby read weakly as she rested her head against the steering wheel. _So this is what happened to Miss Muffet when the curse hit. Sometimes I wonder who's wicked sense of humor was responsible for the way things played out, Rumple's or Regina's._ Reluctantly, Ruby parked the car as far as she could from the ramshackle brick building.

"Coming in dear?" Granny chirped through the car window as she exited the vehicle, making Ruby jump and honk the car horn in the process.

The glare and flash of yellow in her granddaughter's eyes was enough of a _I will wait in the car dammit_ for Granny. "Suit yourself. C'mon girls!" Granny placed a hand at both the young women's backs and pushed an apprehensive Aurora and a curious Mulan into Miss Muffet's shop. "Maybe we'll pick you out something nice," Granny called over her shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First off, I want to thank everyone who took the time to review, follow, and favorite this silly story. **

**We're going on an interesting journey together my friends.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

After the initial shock of entering the shop, the three women wandered away from each other to browse the various aisles. The shop was practically deserted save for Miss Muffet herself who was flipping absently through a magazine behind the register, and another customer occupying his time filling his cart at the back of the store.

Avoiding a rather impressive floor model for something Mulan was at a lost describe, she turned on her heel and tried to locate Granny's snowy hair in between the aisles of objects she didn't have names for. Spotting her on the far side of the dimly lit store, Mulan broke into a brisk trot and followed Granny down her aisle.

"So, um Granny," Mulan sidled up to the older woman who was studying the packaging of a particularly fearsome-looking device. Mulan was temporarily distracted by its size, her words trailing off as her eyes grew bigger when she realized how that object was meant to be used. The swordswoman had weapons in her repertoire less unwieldy than that beast.

Mentally shaking herself, Mulan gathered her nerve. "Granny," she began again, more firmly this time. "Yes dear?" Granny looked up over her spectacles and turned to the sound of the younger woman's voice, almost knocking Mulan off her feet in the process. The warrior rocked back on her heels to avoid being smacked across the face with the toy Granny was holding.

"With things like this," Mulan gestured to the behemoth held between them, using a single finger to push the brightly colored silicone out from under her nose. "How do you, ah…. Bring…" Struggling for the right words, Mulan bounced up and down in slight frustration. She glanced over at Aurora a few aisles away. The princess was immersed in studying the disclaimer on back of the famous edible underwear, an expression somewhere between disbelief and intrigue written on her brows. Mulan smiled faintly at the way her princess's lips moved slightly as she continued to read the packaging. The warrior flushed at the thought of what those lips were capable of.

Dropping her voice, Mulan leaned forward conspiratorially. Granny leaned in as well with all the enthusiasm of an evil mastermind plotting a dastardly heist. Mulan cleared her throat. "How do you bring, er 'honor' to the bedchamber?" Mulan widened her eyes as if to emphasis her point, her gaze drilling into the older woman. She hoped Granny would get the double meaning behind her words.

Granny smiled indulgently. She was having way too much fun torturing her granddaughter and if she helped these two love birds get together, well that was more than a bonus_. You two are there emotionally,_ Granny thought to herself as she watched a blush creep up the neck and onto the cheeks of the woman before her. _Though it seems you're both hopeless with matters of the bedroom._

"My dear, well this," Granny began, brandishing the hefty toy into the air like a cavalryman's sword. "This could bring honor to us all!" Granny let out a bark of laughter from her own joke, her shoulders shaking. She leaned on the sex toy still in her hands like a cane to support herself in her mirth. Wiping tears from her eyes, Granny quickly sobered up as she met Mulan's blank stare. "My humor is completely unappreciated," Granny grumbled, straightening her glasses. "I'm going to have to add the Disney Channel to the B&B's cable".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ruby was sitting in the car cursing the day she decided to not get its radio fixed. Her fingers hammered the buttons on her phone, frantically texting Snow White.

**FUCKING WOLF HEARING I CAN HEAR HER DAMN SALES PITCH FROM HERE.**

_Lol_

**NOT FUNNY SNOW**

**SHE'S IN THERE RIGHT NOW FILLING UP A BASKET FULL OF GODDAMN GOODIES**

_oh ruby, I'm sure she's not going to buy anything_

**SHE WILL. THERE IS A MEAN STREAK IN THAT WOMAN A MILE WIDE. REMEMBER WHAT SHE DID TO REGINA WHEN SHE INSULTED HER LASAGNA**

_…_

_OMFG ur screwed_

Ruby threw her phone down in the passenger seat in disgust. She leaned her head against the cool glass of the car window, resisting the urge to bang her forehead against it. _Maybe I'll concuss myself into not remembering the day my granny turned into "CeCe the Sex Toy Queen"._ Her eyes wandered the near deserted parking lot, searching for any distraction they could find as they locked on the only other car outside the shop. She studied the familiar looking dent in its bumper and…. _Oh please, no_. Stiffening, Ruby slowly sat ramrod straight in her seat and focused more closely on the car. _Please no, don't be his, _Ruby silently prayed.

Then she spotted the stethoscope hanging over the rear view mirror.

"Well SHIT."


	4. Chapter 4

**Apologies for the short chapter folks. Enjoy!**

"Now, Aurora dear, do you have a favorite flavor?" Granny turned to the stunned you woman standing next to her. The aisle they were in was filled with a huge rack of edible, wearable confections. Mulan had removed herself from the selection process and was busy chatting with Miss Muffet at the counter, their voices low. The warrior kept glancing over her shoulder at the pair.

"Let's see… there's strawberry, lemon, orange, tutti frutti, banana, apple, no we don't want anything to do with apples". Granny tossed the offending package over into the next aisle while Aurora gaped at her brash actions. "Ah, watermelon, pina colada, umm… blue?" Granny lifted her spectacles as she inspected a box of bright electric blue panties. No food in this realm or the other should be that color.

"Umm…. I…" Aurora, overwhelmed with the variety of exotic choices, let alone the implication that she could potentially mingle these bizarre flavors with the taste of her lover's skin, backed up a little. Whether her action was to run from the situation or to get a better view of the aisle it didn't matter. The princess was halted as she backed smack dab into the only other customer who had been lurking around the dim store all evening. He had just come around the corner, the package of apple flavored panties in his hand.

They collided, spilling the contents of a bargain basket at the end of the aisle all over the floor. Their impact knocked off the hat that had been pulled low over this stranger's eyes in the process. "Oh, I am so sorry, let me help you," Aurora bent down at the same time as the man, grabbing his hat to serve as a basket, she began scooping up the packets of flavored lubricants and depositing them inside.

"Dr. Whale, " Granny chirped out sharply, causing Aurora and Whale to both freeze and slowly look up at her. Granny suppressed the desire to chuckle. "Fancy meeting you here." The older woman hadn't moved from her spot when Whale came around the corner and continued to stare down the former scientist, enjoying watching him fidget while he was knee deep in lube sample packets.

Granny smirked. Ruby thought she was being so careful in her relationship with the good doctor. As if Granny couldn't hear her giggling telephone conversations to Snow, or smell the man's aftershave on her when she returned from another "girl's night". What did her granddaughter think she was going to do, crossbow the man? _Not unless he earns it,_ Granny mused, _though depending on the content of his cart, he might._ She adjusted her shopping basket and leaned over to inspect the items that had fallen on the floor. "Didn't think you were that big a fan of the color red, Doctor" she observed, glancing over her glasses at Whale.

Whale remained on his knees, frozen in fear, his jaw hanging open as he stared at the formidable woman who towered over him. He had had a nightmare similar to this once, though standing naked in front of his entire medical school class would be a welcome alternative to the very real fact that he was now confronting his girlfriend's grandmother in the middle of a sex shop with a fedora full of lube.

The last thing he would need would be to go to Gold for an emergency removal of Granny's boot out of his ass. As far as he knew, she had no idea he had a certain waitress in mind for these purchases. And for his continuing good health he'd like to keep it that way.

Whale swallowed hard and gripped the rim of his hat tighter. "Well, you see…"


End file.
